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SPIRITUAL DATING
7 Steps to Improving Relationships

By Rabbi Brad Hirschfield Updated: Jun 5, 2008
Rabbi Brad Hirschfield
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Conflict is an inevitable part of life, but it need not always be painful. In fact, we all have within us the ability to sustain relationships even when we deeply disagree. When we reach our breaking point (as we all do), and need to walk away, we can do so in ways that make it more likely that we will come back together.
Here are seven ancient Talmudic steps to follow when confronted with a conflict. They create conversation -- not denigration -- and encourage us to talk about what matters most in ways that hurt the least.
1. Give Yourself a Break
Sometimes you need some distance-some time to cool off and reflect. But it should be just that, i.e., a limited amount of time after which you and the person with whom you are fighting agree to come back together and revisit the issues. A time out can be a great thing, as long as its design is to bring you back together.
2. Respect the Other Person's Dignity
“The one whom you are in conflict with should never lose their value as a human being.”
The one whom you are in conflict with should never lose their value as a human being. No matter how right you think you are and how wrong they may be, don't deny their dignity; you will do more harm than good.
3. Experience Radical Empathy
We must do everything in our power to identify with the other person and their position before fighting for our own. Simply saying that we understand their point of view is not enough--be able to argue it well and present it as if you shared it yourself.
4. Acknowledge Your Partner's Wisdom
Before we can be their teacher, we must first become their student. We must accept that no matter how wrong someone is about one thing, they are unlikely to be wrong about everything.
“Nobody is smart enough to be 100 percent right or dumb enough to 100 percent wrong.”
Nobody is smart enough to be 100 percent right or dumb enough to 100 percent wrong.
5. Know that Conflict Hurts Everyone
Appreciate that even when we are doing everything right in handling our relationships, we all pay a price when a conflict unfolds. Being right should not insulate us from feeling the pain that is a part of the conflict in which we are engaged.
6. Look First to Yourself
Even when we are right, we should always ask how we participate in creating and perpetuating the conflict. We all play the blame game sometimes, but it's important to point a thumb back at ourselves before a finger at the other person.
7. Remember, Being Right is Not Enough
Remind ourselves that the only real justification for conflict with those about whom we care is that it addresses an issue, which is central to sustaining the relationship over time. If it's just about being right, then it probably isn't worth it.
Want more spiritual relationships articles? Check out Beliefnet.com
Brad Hirschfield is the author of the new book, "You Don't Have to Be Wrong For Me To Be Right: Finding Faith Without Fanaticism." He is the host of Building Bridges on Bridges TV (American Muslim TV Network) and co-host of Hirschfield and Kula: Intelligent Talk Radio. Rabbi Hirschfield is the president of CLAL: The National Jewish Center for Learning and Leadership. For more information and to contact him, go to bradhirschfield.com.
Leave a comment COMMENTS7 COMMENTS
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A Yahoo! Contributor
This is very good article, very helpful but yes for sure very hard to follow. I am going through with same relationship where we have lots of conflicts, however I dont want to leave or walk away in the relationship. I hope thi sarticle helps me to be strong. thanks
A Yahoo! Contributor
thanks fo that,its very hard to keep a spiritial relationship
Terri
Conflict is an inevitable part of any relationship. I think what he said is good and helps diffuse any anger. Somewhere I read &quot;you spot it, you got it&quot;, meaning what we see in others is often a characteristic that we have ourselves. So, pointing the finger at myself is something that is hard to do, but also enlightening.
A Yahoo! Contributor
You feel refreshed reading such good article. yes we all have within us the ability to sustain relationships, But can every on this earth say the word FATHER FORGIVE THEM FOR THEY DO NOT KNOW WHAT THEY ARE DOING.
Kenneth
Absolutley conflick will allways be around if we truely choose to have a full relationship. Excepting that no one can or will be able to retain the same feelings from 25 years to 50 years of age . Thoughts come through dreaming and emotions do surprise our own selves unexpected . Some of us stay together meerly to aquire perhaps some attention we never recieved ourselves as a child . Great relationships require overcomming working out the bugs .Balance of Life . A book i reread often is Dr Joyce Brothers ,How to get Whatever you Want out of Life. Study ,Practice ,Teach .
Lauren
Good article. Not what I was expecting to see about spirituality, but good reminders that all relationships have there ups and downs.
A Yahoo! Contributor
yes...there are so many conflicts around us...and it difficult to keep this relationship. there are more aticles like this on www.i n t e r r a c i al l ov i n g . c o m ,where many single men can find white and black women to be their friends,it s a good meeting site.
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