Dating 101: Why Guys Dump Girls They Dig
Nothing is more upsetting than when a dude you know is into you pulls the plug. One man gets to the bottom of out-of-the-blue breakups.
By Cosmopolitan
Photo: Anna Palma
Updated: May 22, 2009
The Timing Is OffChances
are, you've had at least one breakup that left you
wondering, "What just happened?" The guy dug you, you
dug him, and the whole thing felt destined for a fabulous future -- at
least the foreseeable one. Then, out of nowhere, he bailed on the
relationship. So what went wrong? The sad dating truth is, maybe
nothing. Here are five completely ridiculous reasons guys kick you to
the curb. Warning: For the most part, it ain't pretty.Single women
get serious when they meet the right man.
Single
men get serious with whomever we happen to be dating when
we're finally ready to settle down. That means after every other aspect
of our life is in order -- whether it's finishing grad school, finally
pulling down a good-size paycheck, owning a car outright -- or when our
friends start dropping like flies (that's guyspeak for getting
married).
More Dating Articles from Cosmopolitan:But
if you catch a guy before he hits that magical stage of his life, then
he's liable to bolt -- like Patrick, 28, who dumped Bridgett after two
years, then got engaged to the next girl he dated after only 10 months.
"When I was with Bridgett, all of my friends were single and I was
still an intern with nothing going on in my career. So every time she'd
bring up our future together, it felt like she was jumping the gun," he
says. "I didn't break up with her because she was wrong for me. I ended
it because I didn't want to commit to anyone right then. But by the
time I met Elizabeth, I was in a settling-down frame of
mind."
We're Not Finished Playing the FieldSingle
men are natural-born one-uppers. If there's a possibility of upgrading
what we already have for something better (that'll make our friends
drool), we say, bring it on! So we wind up always wondering if you're
really as good as it gets. (I know, scumbag mentality.) "Whenever I
meet a new attractive woman, I consider what it would be like to date
her, even if I have a girlfriend at the time," says Andy, 30. "The
grass is always greener. No matter how great his current girl is, a guy
doesn't want to feel like he's missing out."
In
addition to our opportunistic tendencies, most guys feel compelled to
put as many relationship conquests under their belts as possible. "I
admit it -- I know the exact number of girls I've dated, no mental
calculation required," says Dan, 29. "That's how aware I am of how many
notches I have. And I'd never commit until I felt like I'd experienced
enough different women." Every guy's definition of enough is different,
so there's a chance he wrote you off just because you didn't come late
enough on his own personal hit list. The moral of the story: Until we
grow up, mark everything off our checklists or have too many friends
convince us that we can't do better than you, the flight risk is
real.
We're Fixated on the Worst-Case ScenarioFrom
the times you chastise us for leaving a wet towel on the bed to those
nights you rip through a pint of fudge ripple without stopping to
breathe, we file each incident in a mental folder labeled "Evidence
She'll Change for the Worse." We flip through that file whenever we're
trying to decide if we want to hang on to the relationship. Blame our
married friends who took the plunge before us, but many single men are
hyperaware of what could go wrong down the road. Even if we're crazy
about you now,

we
panic that you'll pack on the pounds and nag us day and
night.
we
panic that you'll pack on the pounds and nag us day and
night. So we secretly flag certain things that might
be a harbinger of bad things to come. "I've seen it happen to too many
of my friends," says Elliot, 29. "All they do is complain about how the
romance takes a total nosedive after they get serious with a girl. So
sometimes, even if the woman I'm dating is gorgeous, I freak out and
bail."
We're in Like, Not in LoveIt's
harsh but true. In fact, it's probably the most common reason we bolt.
Just because a guy likes you a lot isn't a guarantee that it will
evolve into love. And we're surprisingly intuitive when it comes to
figuring out a girl's potential on this front. "I stayed with one woman
for two years because we had fun together and she never pushed the
issue, but I knew the minute I met her that she wasn't The One," says
David, 30.
So why do we invest any time
in a relationship that we know will ultimately end? Because we're able
to live in the moment for a while and chalk it up to a good experience.
But once you show that you're way more into us than we are into you,
we'll dump you out of guilt. "I dated this girl for about a year, but
as soon as she started using the L word, I had to end it," recalls Jay,
29. "It was hard. I cared about her and didn't want to hurt her. But I
knew that if I stuck around, she'd have been happier at first but
miserable later on. After all, she deserved to be with someone who
loved her as much as she loved me."
We're Too into YouJust
when you thought it was all bad news, here's a hard-to-fess-up
admission: Guys are protective of their emotions. Translation: We're
scared of being hurt. So, if we start to feel like we're getting into a
situation where we'll be destroyed if you dump us, we might launch a
preemptive strike and yank the plug first. For Gary, 27, showing his
girlfriend of two years the exit felt like the only choice. "She was
the first girl I was serious with, and I didn't like letting someone
have that much power over me. I was starting to feel emotionally needy,
and that was uncomfortable for me," he recalls. "So I ditched her to
save myself!"
Sounds crazy, but cut us
some slack. Think about how vulnerable and paranoid you feel when
you're nuts about a guy, and realize that we go through the same thing
with girls we really like. But our friends aren't as good at helping us
get over an ex as yours are, plus being openly heartbroken makes us
look like wusses. Nope, it's better to act like a winner before you
turn us into a loser, which is when our natural self-preservation may
come into play. Before the real humiliation and pain assail us like a
plague, ending the relationship seems like a good option.
Are You About to Be Jilted?- His
cell phone is always off. He might be spending time
with someone he doesn't want you to know about... or he just doesn't
want to make himself available.
- He's
reluctant to make plans. If he hems and haws about
committing to anything -- even if it's in the semi-near future -- he's
thinking about making a break for it.
- He's
meaner. The passive-aggressive breakup is a guy
standby. Some men intentionally turn into whiners to make sure you
break up with them.
- He's
distant. He doesn't want to feel connected to you --
or he's getting his needs filled somewhere else.
Reprinted
with permission of Hearst Communications,
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