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Odd Hours

At odds with your partner over the hours you work? Here's how to overcome the grind for a little more personal time

By Karen Sherman, Ph.D. Updated: May 22, 2009
Hitchedmag.com
Question: My irregular work hours are really starting to tick off my partner. I can't quit, so what can I do?
 
Answer: Back in the ol' days, the woman stayed home while the man worked 9 to 5. Now, those days are now just a memory. Today's reality is more than likely that both partners are working and that the hours are far from the traditional 9 to 5. It's also not unusual that one partner -- and it could easily be either the man or woman -- may be working unusual hours. Unfortunately, what has also changed about our society is that you don't have the choices you had in years past -- you have a job and you keep it for the sake of finances.
One of the key points I always make to my couples is the importance of making your relationship a priority. After all, if you keep putting other things first, eventually just like a plant that hasn't been attended to with proper water and sunlight, there's no relationship to come back to. Certainly a couple who has these unusual work hours is going to be challenged to make sure their relationship takes precedence.
Recognizing There Is An Issue
Before any problem can be dealt with from a practical point of view, the emotionality of the issue must be addressed because when people are upset emotionally, they aren't able to think clearly. So, it's important the person who has the unusual hours validate the unhappiness of their partner.
“Validation doesn't mean you have to agree”
Validation doesn't mean you have to agree, but it does mean that you have to let your partner know you understand his/her point of view. To be concrete, you might want to say something like this, "I really understand that my working these kinds of hours takes away from our time together and puts a lot of pressure on our relationship."
Even with strange schedules, there are still many things that can be done to make your relationship a priority and let your partner know they matter to you. Here are some tips I offer couples to get you started:
Yes, it's hard when your time together is strained. But making the most out of your time will help you beat the odds. After all, quality does beat quantity!
Want to read more articles from Hitched? Check out hitchedmag.com
Karen Sherman, Ph.D., a specialist in relationships for more than 20 years, is the author of "Mindfulness and The Art of Choice: Transform Your Life" and co-author of "Marriage Magic! Find It, Keep It, and Make It Last." She is on the Web at ChoiceRelationships.com and drkarensherman.com. Subscribe to her free newsletter.
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