What's important to you for a satisfying relationship? -- Yahoo! Personals

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What's important to you for a satisfying relationship?

By David Niven, Ph.D. Special to Yahoo! Personals Updated: May 22, 2009

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Congratulations! You have taken the first step toward overcoming the single biggest problem people seeking a relationship have: they lack access to meeting quality new people.

Now you face two important tasks. Obviously you have to find the person you would like to have a relationship with. But you also have to prepare yourself for a successful relationship.

Studies of dating and relationships find that traits we otherwise think of as very important -- such as our age, income, and education level -- are completely unrelated to the likelihood of finding a satisfying relationship. What does matter is our perspective on our life and the world.

People who build successful relationships believe they are capable and worth valuing.

People who build successful relationships believe they are capable and worth valuing. They are open-minded and willing to consider things from a new viewpoint. And they focus on their long-term future and needs. Just being on this site shows you have these qualities.

Define yourself

In searching for a potential relationship, you will need to define yourself and define what you are looking for. Your long-term perspective will help. It turns out that most of the traits that attract people to each other -- the things that excite us -- no longer matter to us a few months after a relationship begins.

Instead, what sustains a relationship over time are respect, equality, friendship, and kindness. We know from studies of long-time married couples that what keeps their relationships strong is not high living or spectacular vacations, but a love they show on average days, expressed in average ways.

What does this mean when you are staring at an empty personals' box trying to explain who you are and what you are looking for? You just have to tell your story. Tell the story that shows your capacity for friendship, for kindness, for respect, for love. Tell the story that shows what you value in another person. Tell your story, but leave room for a new happy ending.

The 100 Simple Secrets of Great Relationships

David Niven, Ph.D., is a psychologist and social scientist who teaches at Florida Atlantic University, and the bestselling author of "The 100 Simple Secrets of Great Relationships," a volume in his "100 Simple Secrets" series, published by HarperSanFrancisco.

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Report Abuse 1. Posted by A Yahoo! Contributor Thu, Sep 3, 2009, 1:37 pm PDT

This advise is very a good guide to achieving a successful relationship the foundation is there but it requiries the individual efforts to make it work

Report Abuse 2. Posted by A Yahoo! Contributor Thu, Sep 3, 2009, 1:54 pm PDT

What the heck does this guy mean when he says "the empty personals box"? Is he talking about some kind of online dating junk? Try meeting someone on the street or the mall instead! Forget this 'modern' age stuff!

Report Abuse 3. Posted by A Yahoo! Contributor Thu, Sep 3, 2009, 4:03 pm PDT

Dude...it's the 21st Century..get a computer and get online or get left behind like the dinosaur you sound like! I've had two wonderful, lasting relationships (the longest I've ever had, as a matter of fact)through online encounters...it's the way of the future so catch up, buy yourself a clue, and get busy. Besides which, only dorks go to malls!

Report Abuse 4. Posted by A Yahoo! Contributor Thu, Sep 3, 2009, 1:37 pm PDT

Dr. Niven sounds like he's written a great book. Jaded, but maybe I'll find it at the library. It's just that I suspect I'm too set in my ways for his 'simple secrets.'

Report Abuse 5. Posted by Ed Fri, Sep 28, 2007, 6:30 pm PDT

Looking into what the future may hold is not real fun when your 82 even if you are active and in good health and, per the Dr., will live to be 100. Younger women are not really interested in LTR's with an 82 year old and there are very few women around my age who are very active. I walk at least 2 miles a day at over 31/2 miles an hour. i can't find anyone my age who is interested in that kind of exercise.

Report Abuse 6. Posted by A Yahoo! Contributor Thu, Sep 3, 2009, 3:57 pm PDT

As the Author of Wanna know why you're still single", I agree with the columnist. I will add however that too many people set the bar way too high and put too much stock in "Superficlai instant chemistry." That's the rockets red glare, the heart aflutter that too many people rely on. Superficialness may excite you for the short term but rarely lasts for the long haul. Those over 30 that think they are set in their ways are at a great age to be dating. being 'Set in your ways" can be a very good thing. At that age you are most likely done playing games, you know how to please and how to be pleased, you know what you want in life and have had more life experiences to build on. Don't look at being older as a negative, look at it as having more to share with the right person.

Report Abuse 7. Posted by A Yahoo! Contributor Thu, Sep 3, 2009, 1:07 pm PDT

Sex. The first thing a woman does is stop having sex with you as soon as she knows you sre committed. Then you are the sorry piece of S___ when you go find it somewhere else because you haven't had sex in over a year. I dont mind cuddling, talking, and listening to what she has to say. I get very disinterested when she gets disinterested in having sex. I have never cheated. But I might change my mind.

Report Abuse 8. Posted by Derrick Thu, Sep 3, 2009, 12:41 pm PDT

I DONE THE ONLINE DATING, AND ITS COOL... BUT, ITS ALOT OF DAMAGED GOODS ,ON THE INTERNET. NOBODIES REAL, THEY HAVE FAKE PICS,PROFILES, AND EVERY 1 ON THE NET IS SELF ABSORB,MENTALLY,AND MATERIALISTICLY.... SO, IM JUST GOING TO BE ME, GO BACK TO SCHOOL, MAKE MY FORTUNE, AND CHILL... IM NOTA [profane], BUT I DO NOTICE ONE THING..... WHEN U OUT CHASING ,U CHASING UR OWN TAIL... WHEN U OUT CHASING MONEY,SUCCESS,ETC/ U CANT GET WOMEN TO LEAVE U ALONE... JUST MY THOUGHT , TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF SALT....

Report Abuse 9. Posted by A Yahoo! Contributor Thu, Sep 3, 2009, 1:20 pm PDT

It's true there are a lot of damaged goods out here on the net but that is because anyone can have a profile and the net has effectively destroyed boundaries. Before the net you may never have "met" even a 1/4 of the ppl you can nowadays but there are good ppl out here looking too. Not all have fake pics and profiles and not all are self absorbed and materialistic. I for one would love to find a man who can respect me, leave my dignity intact, be a friend as well as a lover and treat me with genuine kindness. To the gentleman who thinks women are only interested in sex until they get a commitment from you, not all of us are that way. Sad but true a lot of women are and that is emotional immaturity but as for me I would love to have a man who doesn't push me away at the first sign of affection and treat me like a second class citizen. I'm sorry you seem to have such bad luck but there are a lot of good women out here, you just have to wade through the little girls to get to them. Believe me, we have to kiss a lot of frogs to find you too. Good Luck.

Report Abuse 10. Posted by A Yahoo! Contributor Thu, Sep 3, 2009, 1:48 pm PDT