Dating 101: Eight New Love Truths You Must Know
These current relationship realities will help you reach harmony with your man.
By Leslie Heilbrunn for Cosmopolitan
Photo: Asha Fuller
Updated: May 22, 2009
Experts
analyzed recent dating trends to define a whole new set of relationship
rules to guide you along. Some of them may indicate that your romance
is on rocky ground, while others can prove it's totally rock
solid.
- Spending
time apart strengthens your bond. Sure, it's important
to hang out with your guy. But experts now know that it's almost as
important not to hang out with him every so often. "When you take time
away from each other, it gives you both the opportunity to collect new
thoughts, new stories, and new ideas to share," says Jennifer Oikle,
PhD, dating coach for Coupling Connection. But the benefits extend
beyond having novel tidbits of conversation. "When you're with someone
in the moment, you're not really spending time thinking about them,"
says Debbie Magids, PhD, coauthor of "All
the Good Ones Aren't Taken." "When you're distanced, you
really think about the person and yearn for them, and you look forward
to seeing them again."
Your
inkling that something is wrong in the relationship is probably
right. By nature of being a woman, you have a keen
intuition, so you'll feel any kind of distancing on a visceral level
pretty quickly. And unless you're an overly suspicious or insecure
person -- you know who you are! -- you should always trust your gut.
Example: He's incommunicado. Before the days of emailing, texting,
IMing, and Facebooking, if you didn't hear from your boyfriend for a
day or two, it wasn't the end of the world (or your relationship). But
now that communication is so easy and instant, it's usually a sign he's
not fully invested.
"When a guy
wants to break up, he'll often start to create space," says Oikle. In
other words, he'll stop calling quite as much, it will take him a bit
longer to return your texts or emails, and he'll sometimes be "too
busy" to hang out. "For the record, if a guy is into you, he'll never
be too busy," says Paul Coleman, PsyD, author of "The Complete Idiot's
Guide to Intimacy."
If the pattern
continues, confront your man about his behavior in a direct yet
nonaccusatory way, saying something like "You haven't called me, and
I'm thinking that means you're having second thoughts about us." If he
doesn't give you a clear answer, well, let's just say he's giving you a
clear answer.
If
a man has a history of cheating on his girlfriends, he'll probably
cheat on you too. Sometimes a guy cheats on his
partner because there is an emotional or physical void in the
relationship. But more often than not, philandering is indicative of
something wrong with him. According to Jay Carter, PsyD, author of
"
Nasty
Men,"

many guys two-time because they love the thrill of the
chase
many guys two-time because they love the thrill of the
chase, they need to feed their ego, or they have a
hard time turning down a woman when the opportunity presents
itself.
All those factors contribute to
serial straying, "which is why men who cheat once usually cheat again,"
says Oikle. (A recent MSNBC.com survey found that men are twice as
likely as women are to cheat more than once.) So if your guy cheated on
his last girlfriend with you, don't necessarily write it off as an
isolated incident.
- He
wants to think he's taking care of you. Despite the
fact that many women are outpacing men on the college level and in the
workplace, "lots of guys still derive their feelings of masculinity and
self-worth by being of value to the person they love," says Allen
Berger, PhD, author of "Love
Secrets Revealed." "And they feel most valuable when
they're doing things for that person." So even though you're an
independent chick who can support herself, it may benefit your
relationship if you step back once in a while and let him step up --
even if it's just to do something as simple as pay for dinner. Think of
it this way: Letting him care for you shows you care for
him.
If a
guy tells you that he's not ready for a relationship, take his word for
it. Believe it or not, men really hate to disappoint
women. So if he's "gotten up the guts to actually cross the threshold
and tell you that he's not ready for a relationship, he means
business," says Oikle. There could be a variety of explanations for his
antirelationship position (he has commitment issues, he wants to meet
other people, he doesn't see you as girlfriend material), but in the
end, the result is the same: He's doesn't desire to be your boyfriend.
End of story.
And no, he won't
change his mind when he gets to know you a little better. "Once a guy
decides how he sees a girl in his life, it's hard to break out of that
thinking," says Coleman. Warning: If you stick around after he's told
you this, he will likely take it as a sign that you're cool with the
casual, nonexclusive nature of your relationship. So make sure you
are.
- Passion
can grow as a relationship progresses. People used to
think settling down meant saying goodbye to romance and passion. But
research has found that young married couples are more satisfied in the
romance department than their single counterparts are. Familiarity
definitely has its perks. Couples who have been together for a long
time have probably learned how to please each other and are more
comfortable sharing their fantasies and desires to keep the romance
alive.
You
won't regret breaking up with a guy you're feeling unsure
about. Nowadays, women may be impulsive about dating
guys but not dumping them. "In fact, a lot of single women will try
really hard to fit a square peg into a round hole because they want the
relationship to work so bad," explains Magids. "It's only after a
tremendous amount of thought and effort that they finally give up on
it."
In part, women go through that
painstaking process because they fear they'll end up kicking themselves
for ending a relationship too soon. But a new study from Northwestern
University found that even in the short term, people aren't as upset as
they thought they'd be after a breakup. So if you sense you're with the
wrong person, don't fret so much about walking away to
find a better
mate.
You
will always be the one to initiate a relationship
talk. Unlike women, who are conditioned to take the
pulse of a relationship from time to time, men don't contemplate the
state of your union until something's wrong. And even then, they want
to work it out in their mind, whereas women want to talk it
out.
When you go to initiate a
relationship talk, bear in mind that men are uncomfortable with the
unknown and paranoid that you'll end up in tears. So don't ambush him
or it'll feel to him like going to the principal's office or being
pulled over by a cop: surprising and nerve-racking, says
Coleman.
To put him at ease, try what
Oikle calls a compliment sandwich: Start with something positive, work
in the concern, and end with something positive. For example, if you're
trying to gauge if a new guy sees your relationship as serious, say, "I
really like you a lot. Are you thinking this is a long-term thing?
We've been having so much fun that I hope you do!" That will be much
easier for him to digest than "Hey, am I your girlfriend or what?" Or
if you want to broach the subject of moving in with a dude you've been
dating for a while, try "I think we have an amazing relationship, and
I'm ready to take the next step and move in together. Think of how much
fun we'd have living under the same roof!"