Each person in a relationship has individual needs for closeness and personal space as well as desires to feel nurtured, understood, and autonomous within a relationship. People define their freedom in very different ways. Some want the freedom to be close and comforted; others want the freedom to be autonomous and unfettered.

When one of you doesn't get enough space or enough closeness, you will begin to struggle within your relationship. One of you might feel unappreciated for being caring, while the other feels oppressed and smothered. One of you might be aware of your partner's moods -- often walking on eggshells not to upset him or her. The other might threaten to leave in order to get his or her way. One of you will want more together time while the other wants more space -- and neither of you are satisfied with the compromise. Struggles like this lead to resentment, hurt, and arguing.

When you struggle with a partner, the flow of love between you two will be blocked -- even when you truly love one another. If you learn how to achieve balance and end the struggle, you'll create the love and partnership you deeply treasure.

Knowing and communicating what you want and what you feel are the basic skills for creating a mutually satisfying intimate relationship. I recommend the "tennis match" approach to help you understand and honor each other's needs for space.

The tennis match approach is a flexible process that you can adapt to almost any situation. To keep your relationship in balance, especially if it's new, neither you nor your partner should do all the calling, all the planning, all the talking, all the giving, and all the chasing. You can't play tennis if only one of you is hitting the ball.

Instead, make a move to show the other person you're interested in being close, then sit and wait for your partner to make a move in return. For example, make a phone call to invite him or her for coffee, or to join a group going to the movies, and then let him or her make the next invitation. This is like making a serve, then waiting for your partner to return it.

This is often difficult to do, because the natural tendency when you're interested in someone is to be active. But being too assertive in the relationship may push the other person away, or may disguise a lack of enough interest on the other person's part. Don't keep hitting balls over the net if they're not returned.

On the other hand, if you never hit the ball, but always wait for the other person to do it, you aren't playing a very good tennis game, either. It's essential that you do your part, because passivity is easily interpreted as a lack of interest and can shut communication down. The tennis game metaphor is useful, because if you compare what has gone on in the relationship so far to a tennis game, you will quickly see if you've been either too passive or too aggressive.

The tennis match is so central to moving the relationship on to new levels that I've developed some guidelines you can use to understand and promote intimacy. Demonstrating that you are interested in what your partner is saying, and want to hear more, is essential.

Whether you're dating online, on the phone, or face to face, you need to keep your conversation going back and forth -- keeping the tennis match going in a balanced way.

Let your partner know if you would like more space or more intimacy, and listen to the response. If you work together, you can achieve a good balance.