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Give Your Partner a Flirting Pass

By Dr. Trina Read hitchedmag.com Updated: Sep 4, 2009

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You are at a friend's party having a great time. You look over and see your date or partner laughing, chatting -- and could that be flirting? -- with someone else at the party. What do you do?

(a) March over, wedging yourself in between your partner and the other person as you introduce yourself.
(b) Trust your partner will not take it past innocent flirting, but keep one eye on the situation anyway.
(c) Catch the eye of your partner, give them a smile, a wink, and a toast and hope they are having fun.

The reason I ask?

The fine art of innocent flirting has created many an after-party fight

The fine art of innocent flirting has created many an after-party fight. Some people feel their partner should be giving all that attention exclusively to them instead of someone else. But what would happen if we began to see flirting as creating an abundance of good couple energy? The idea is, the more positive feelings you share with other people, the more you will get back.

I want my partner to flirt

One afternoon while having coffee with a friend, I explained how I not only encourage my partner to flirt, I teach him the fine art of flirting. Perplexed, she asked why on earth would I teach my partner to flirt. Fair question with a super-easy answer: I trust him 110 percent.

Ever since my partner emerged out of his I-can't-look-at-any-other-woman box with the freedom to flirt, he feels better about himself. He feels and acts sexy. He is more fun to be around. The end result is our relationship is stronger and healthier because he brings that positive energy home to me. The irony is that he does not really even flirt. It's simply that he has been given a pass-card to flirt that has made all the difference.

I could see my friend nodding her head in agreement. I asked, "Why don't you try flirting?" A tiny look of terror crossed her face. She then uttered the words that many people say when I broach the topic of flirting: "My partner wouldn't like it."

Undaunted, I pressed the issue, "Why?"

She started squirming, as if she was to divulge dark bedroom secrets

She started squirming, as if she was to divulge dark bedroom secrets, and replied, "He's just not that secure and quite frankly neither am I. I wouldn't like it if I saw another woman flirting with him." The conversation was uncomfortably dropped.

A little jealousy is good

Innocent flirting, to me, is like window shopping. It is the catalyst to get a spark going in a relationship. To successfully take a healthy relationship over the long term, I strongly believe everyone should flirt. Flirt with each other, flirt with other people, and allow other people to flirt with you. It creates such great "happy couple" energy.

If flirting is so great, why don't people do it more often? Probably the green-eyed monster -- jealously --pops to mind first. Well, let us turn this idea of jealousy on its head. Believe it or not, a little jealousy affirms the affection within your relationship. Jealousy indicates there is excitement. That said, a well-balanced individual in a healthy relationship will not twist their jealously into a full-blown fight.

Make a flirting agreement

However, a big part of successful flirting is having

a mutual agreement about what is acceptable and unacceptable in your relationship

a mutual agreement about what is acceptable and unacceptable in your relationship. Which means you must decide what flirting means to you, and communicate this to each other.

Start out with baby steps. For example, at a party, flirt only while your partner is present. Next level, your partner is across the room but in view. You know you have reached the flirting pinnacle when you can look at your partner flirting and having a wonderful time with someone else and feel happy for him or her.

Finally, flirting stays at the door when you two go home together. All that positive, sexy energy you have created from flirting should take you into a fabulous, fun night together.

Want to read more articles from Hitched? Check out hitchedmag.com

Dr. Trina Read has a doctorate in human sexuality. She is an international speaker and offers a free audio sex tip weekly on her web site trinaread.com/t-sextips

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Report Abuse 1. Posted by A Yahoo! Contributor Thu, Sep 3, 2009, 1:24 pm PDT

I don't see how this would work honestly. The way I see it, if you feel like you need to flirt even when you have a partner who would give their life for you, then you don't feel the same way back, and you apparently don't deserve that relationship. And if you and your partner flirts with other people, who's to know what else they do? Something much less innocent I could assume. Sometimes innocent flirting has a hidden backdoor that you didn't see at first glance. It might seem like they aren't getting serious about it, that it's just a simple "Oh, I like your shirt" or something, but when you turn your back, there is a chance that your partner isn't on the same level of trust and love towards you as you are for them. And that chance could lead to more than 'innocent cheating' which could end up ruining your relationship and resulting in heartbreak. And lets face it no one wants that. It might have been okay 'back in the day' to flirt, but in our time, this kind of thing happens too often where flirting leads to cheating.

Report Abuse 2. Posted by A Yahoo! Contributor Thu, Sep 3, 2009, 6:14 pm PDT

I think it's up to a couple...to say NEVER FLIRT or GO AHEAD AND FLIRT is between a two people who love each other. I certainly wouldn't say that my fiance and I don't trust each other but to say GO AHEAD FLIRT AWAY to me is ridiculous, sorry! Too many people miscontrue flirting, and I have many single friends who would be distressed by men flirting with them and thinking there was really something there only to find out it's just a game between a married couple to "keep their home fires burning". Sorry. To each their own. I don't disrespect him and he doesn't me. We have no problem hanging in a group of people having a good time with men and women but two people in a corner engaging in a flirtatious manner is just leaving room for suspect. And I'm not prude. the Homes fires burn just fine and have for many years!

Report Abuse 3. Posted by A Yahoo! Contributor Thu, Sep 3, 2009, 7:55 pm PDT

This article is a little too much, and overly judgmental of people that are uncomfortable with flirting. The justifications for allowing flirting here are the same that swingers or couples that believe in "polyamory" use to "enhance" their sex life. Teaching your partner how to flirt?=RIDICULOUS... [Flirting is defined as conversation or physical signals intended to arouse romantic or sexual interest]. So obviously if someone has a problem with flirting with others, its completely understandable. I enjoy flirting myself and although I had never been barred from it....when I saw the uncomfortable look on my spouse's face I had too much respect for our relationship to continue flirting. The only thing I agree with this article on is to to define your boundaries and to respect them. Having fun, lively party conversations= OK; expressing sexual or romantic interest by flirting with others = potentially disrespectful. Relationships should be about supporting each other, not testing each other's boundary just for "fun and exciting energy."

Report Abuse 4. Posted by Ernest Thu, Sep 3, 2009, 4:15 pm PDT

that is monotomous, respect your wife, girlfriend they are your partners, flirting is for low life no respect to other as well as to your self. YOUR A STY.

Report Abuse 5. Posted by A Yahoo! Contributor Thu, Sep 3, 2009, 6:17 pm PDT

Flirting can never be acceptable!If each couple wan to have a long term relationship with their lover, why stil wan to play fire? it is so unfair to each one!If you still want to across the "line" please do not simply say" i love you "

Report Abuse 6. Posted by A Yahoo! Contributor Thu, Sep 3, 2009, 12:09 pm PDT

Let's be real about the situation. It's not only a matter of a woman or man wanting to be the center of attention, but how others perceive the "innocent" flirting. Most people say they don't care about what others think, but it is not fun to know people are talking about the situation and have already blown it way out of proportion. There isn't anyone who likes to made to look stupid in a relationship. Some people do, but it's just because they have accepted the fact the other partner is more dominant in personality than they are. Jealousy is a natural thing, but can often just be taken to far. What I don't understand is why if two people truly waited until they found the one person they clicked with, they would not want to flirt with anyone but their significant other. There isn't a person on earth who is perfect therefore there should be nobody that should be trusted completely. We are all human beings and all slip up sometimes, therefore there shouldn't be extra temptation added to every day life.

Report Abuse 7. Posted by A Yahoo! Contributor Thu, Sep 3, 2009, 1:05 pm PDT

Jealousy doesn't indicate there is excitement, but rather love and commitment. I don't flirt and she doesn't have to flirt either. End of discussion. The moment I need to go out and have another woman excite me for my wife, then something is wrong with my relationship. If she give me that pass, it's either she would want it as well or I'm boring. It's like saying, sweetheart go get horny so when you come home we can can do it more then once. Eventually flirting becomes cheating, and cheating becomes STD (sexually transmitted Disease). Morally flirting is wrong when commited to someone else in the eyes of God and myself.

Report Abuse 8. Posted by A Yahoo! Contributor Thu, Sep 3, 2009, 6:17 pm PDT

Report Abuse 9. Posted by A Yahoo! Contributor Thu, Sep 3, 2009, 5:25 pm PDT

the author of this is dumb

Report Abuse 10. Posted by A Yahoo! Contributor Thu, Sep 3, 2009, 6:04 pm PDT