Answer: When my office doors open to a couple who is seeking help in their relationship, not much time elapses before it becomes apparent that they are looking at the same relationship from two different perspectives: his and hers.

It's common to believe that couples' values for happiness are worlds apart. Actually, in most cases, men and women share many values they take for granted: they agree that they seek warmth, love, companionship, financial security and a safe environment to raise children. So, if they're on the same page with so many key issues, why do some couples have so many hard feelings about what they don't share?

Human nature explains part of the issue. It's rare when a couple sits around and celebrates all the things they agree on, but when there's that one point of discord, it consumes a great deal of their time and attention.

Differences in how men and women perceive things also explain why we often feel our needs aren't being met. Brain studies show that men are excellent at navigating three-dimensional puzzles, but less accomplished at perceiving subtle changes in facial expressions; day-old boys are just as attentive to geometric objects as they are to human faces. Girls, on the other hand, pay rapt attention to faces from day one; they are more attentive to human emotions, and seem to have more diverse brain ability to verbalize their emotions. As boys and girls grow, they are shaped by their biology and social environment to have different strengths and weaknesses. When couples don't realize these differences, it can lead to misunderstanding.

When a woman doesn't realize that her guy may be listening to her with the sole intent of "solving her problems" (as he would a 3-D puzzle), she may feel unheard and uncared about when he interrupts her with suggestions. When a guy doesn't know that his partner wants to feel emotionally connected with him, he may feel rejected when she declines his invitation to sleep cuddled together.

Happy relationships are ones in which couples focus on areas of agreement and see the differences as a source of personal growth. Happy mates have the ability to capitalize on the differences between the sexes. Here are some of the things happy couples have taught me:

When a couple can learn to respect their differences, and act in ways that honor those distinctions, they find the key to fulfilling the needs of their partner.

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