Create Your
Once you've had a taste of control, you'll find you always need more
Dating Question: Do You Have Control Issues?
Do you have control issues? Do you tell your partner how he or she should drive or how to get things done? Learn how to be comfortable when not in control
By Neil Fiore, Ph.D. www.hitchedmag.com Updated: Sep 4, 2009
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Question: Why do I feel so uncomfortable when I'm not in control?
Answer:
Control vs. TrustLike so many counterproductive habits, trying to control others can be a way of coping with insecurities. What's to fear? How about your survival and safety? If your sense of trust in the world -- and in your parents -- was broken at an early age because of natural disasters, illness or war, for example, you learn to cope alone and try to control as much as you can without relying on others. This can cause you to become hyper-vigilant and alert to your surroundings, often making it difficult for you to sleep, enjoy vacations or just relax.
Control Is AddictiveOnce you've had a taste of control, you'll find you always need more When you first learn to swim, you use your muscles to struggle and stay afloat. When you're exhausted from all the hard work, you then discover the water holds your body and you can float almost effortlessly. It's the same with learning to let go of struggle and control: you'll find that you are held by the earth, a chair, a bed and your body's ability to relax.
You can begin by experimenting with accepting the fact that
you are human and, therefore, vulnerable to hurt and loss and joyful surprises
you are human and, therefore, vulnerable to hurt and loss and joyful surprises, regardless of how much control you try to have. Some of my most vigilant and controlling clients learned to relax their need for control by first consciously letting go of their breath. They overcame their insomnia and controlling habits very slowly. They began by observing that when you let go of holding your breath and muscles, your body takes care of inhaling, and the chair and the floor support you without much effort on your part. So let's give it a try.
Try Three-part Breathingyou are human and, therefore, vulnerable to hurt and loss and joyful surprises - Inhale.
- Hold your breath while tightening your muscles.
- Exhale slowly and completely as you float down into the support of the chair and floor.
- Perform this three-part breathing a few more times with your eyes closed so you really feel the experience of letting go and finding that you are supported by the chair, the laws of nature and your body's wisdom.
Repeat this exercise throughout your day whenever you feel insecure or become aware of the impulse to control others. Soon you'll discover you can let go of muscle tension and build a sense of connection with a trustworthy support system. You'll be teaching your body and your conscious mind and ego they don't have to struggle alone. You'll be accessing more of your brainpower, thereby becoming more effective and efficient with less effort. That'll make you breathe easy.
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