For the past 10 years as a dating coach, I conducted an unusual research project. I interviewed 1,000 single men asking why they didn't call a woman back after a date. This included asking why they lost interest after flirting with her at a party or after exchanging emails with her through an online dating site. (Rest assured, I didn't accept glib answers such as "There was just no chemistry;" rather, I used an "Exit Interview" technique I learned at Harvard Business School to prompt very candid responses.)

This infuriating situation is all too familiar for single women. You think there's a connection, but then suddenly you never hear from him again. What really happened? It turns out there are consistent reasons why men don't call back. Interestingly, these reasons rarely reflect who a woman is deep down, but rather the wrong impression she gave inadvertently by saying or doing small things. And the shocker? My research shows that 90 percent of the time your guesses are wrong.

What was the #1 reason that 1,000 men didn't pursue a woman whom they were initially interested in? I've labeled it "The Boss Lady." He thinks she's terrific -- smart and successful -- but he decides he'd rather hire her than date her. In such a situation, women typically guess that men are intimidated by their success or strong personality. But men said they get enough aggression at work all day, and when they come home they want to be with someone softer, more nurturing. They do want someone intelligent with an interesting career, but they prefer a warm demeanor.

The term "boss" here reflects men's attitudes that certain women seem either argumentative, competitive, controlling, not feminine, too independent, not nurturing, or some combination of the above. Of course, women don't use the same terminology to describe this behavior. Instead, women might rightfully identify themselves as persuasive, capable, street-smart, organized, modern, confident, or forthright.

Importantly, the real issue is not what you are or aren't at your core, but rather that trivial comments or actions are screening you out before he can really get to know and appreciate all of you.

Paul (from Miami) labeled two women he dated "argumentative." He expressed frustration that he couldn't find a woman who challenged him intellectually but didn't bulldoze him at the same time. He said, "I want a conversation to be a fun, intellectual exchange of ideas -- not a heated argument."

Scott (from St. Louis) described one date that fizzled after trying to select an appetizer to share at dinner. He mentioned that he didn't like curry. His date shot back, "Who doesn't like curry? How can you not like curry?" Scott said the curry issue was argued for several minutes, and no matter what he said, she had a challenging retort. "Jeez," he sighed to me, "all she had to do was say, 'Okay, you don't like curry, then do you want to share the artichoke dip?'"

Jake (from New York City) thought his date was smart but he wasn't attracted to her "masculine vibe." She was wearing a dark business suit, no jewelry, and had a short haircut. He summed it up, "If you're a girl, dress like a girl!" Other men described "manly" women who had a brisk power stride when they walked down the sidewalk, or women who tried to hail the taxi during their date instead of letting the man do it, or women who frequently used business-speak such as "The bottom line is...." The Boss Lady made him feel like he was at the office, not on a romantic date.

Let me be very clear: My research does not imply you should change who you are or pretend to be someone you're not. Rather, the goal is to keep the ball in your court. If you are aware of the stereotypes with which men label women, and if you can make a few quick and easy adjustments, then more men will call you for a second date. Then you can accept or decline his invitation: you're doing the selecting, not him.

So, what to do if you think men are stereotyping you as The Boss Lady? Here are three easy tips: