Should the Reformed 'Wild Woman' Tell Her Secret?
Untangling a dating quandary
By Steve Dick and Lynelle Miller
Special to Yahoo! Personals
Updated: Sep 24, 2009
Dear Steve and Lynelle, I used to be somewhat of a wild woman. I went through a two-year phase of partying, drinking, and irresponsibility. At the end of last year, I really turned my life around. Now I have a steady job and stopped drinking and I have my best friend to thank for it.
Because she told me she didn't want to speak with me anymore, I realized how much I was not only hurting myself but the people around me. Since I've straightened up, my friend and I have reconnected, but I'm afraid my past is coming back to ruin things again.My friend asked me to meet her at a restaurant so she could introduce me to her new boyfriend, who she has just raved about. She's even said she thinks he's "the one." When I walked in, I realized he was someone I had slept with during my partying phase. This didn't just happen once, but over quite a bit of time. He was kind of my weekend hookup.I was shocked. He introduced himself as if he had never met me. When my friend went to the bathroom,
he begged me not to tell my friend what had happened between us
he begged me not to tell my friend what had happened between us. I didn't that night, but now I'm wondering if I should. I feel horrible. What if they get married? He really meant nothing to me and still doesn't, but I feel like I should say something. I'm afraid she might find out because people saw us together, and we have pictures of us partying.
I would rather her hear it from me, but I don't want to ruin anything for her -- again. Should I tell her that I've slept with her boyfriend in the past or just keep my mouth shut?
Steve: Ah, the stuff of TV movies. How many times have I seen, heard or witnessed some version of this scenario? Plenty, and I always come back to the same answer: leave it alone, what's past is past.
If you tell her,
chances are she'll hold it against you
chances are she'll hold it against you. If you wait and tell her, same thing. If he tells her, same thing, unless she's mature enough to realize that what happened had nothing to do with her then or now. But don't count on it. The fact that she found "the one" after "the one" found you won't sit well with a friend who disapproved of your bed-hopping.
When she quit talking to you, she was being judgmental, which means a low level of understanding and tolerance. After all, what effect did your actions have on her? It sounds like you only reconnected after you did what she wanted you to do.
You're a different woman now. I see no reason to tell her. If she finds out and holds it against you, she wasn't much of a friend anyway.
Lynelle: Oh, I so do NOT agree with Steve. I definitely think you should tell your friend. What's a relationship -- any relationship -- unless it's built on honesty and trust?
Yes, your friend will probably be very upset. But I believe
she will be more upset not hearing it from you
she will be more upset not hearing it from you. She may very well hold this against you and bring up your past. Just don't let that change the fact that you have made a turnaround in your life, which I commend you for.
Steve's right, the past is the past, but that doesn't mean it still can't affect your life now. You ARE a different woman now -- an honest woman, I presume. So be who you are now and tell the truth. No secrets, no hiding.
When you tell your friend, though, be prepared that she may not want to speak with you for a while -- if ever again. It's harsh, but you are facing the consequences of being a "wild woman." This is a good lesson to always think before you act.
Steve Dick and Lynelle Miller write for the Herald Bulletin in Anderson, Indiana. For more of their advice, go to
heraldbulletin.com. Steve and Lynelle are always looking for good questions to answer so pass on your dating disasters and relationship woes to
steveandlynelle@heraldbulletin.com.
