Making Time for Dating: A To-Do List for Single Parents
By Sheila Ellison
Special to Yahoo! Personals
Updated: Jul 25, 2009
To be successful in the dating world, you must approach it like you would any other goal. That means more than writing it down in your journal. Goals don't get accomplished without a list of things you can actually DO that will help you to reach the goal.
If
dating is your goal, then the first thing on your to-do list needs to be how to
create time in your life to move into dating mode
create time in your life to move into dating mode. You'll need to clear hours in your schedule to devote to activities such as reading profiles online, contacting others, and having a social life.
The problem is that for most parents, just managing life and kids takes all the energy they have. So I'd like to suggest a shift in your attitude. You say yes to everyone else; you work, you get your kids to their lessons, help with homework, cook, and clean, but often you feel too guilty to say yes to yourself. Since there is only a limited amount of time in each day, your first job is to juggle the schedule around so that a "fair" amount of time lands in your lap (hint: saying NO will help).
With the time you bravely reclaim, you are going to learn to nurture yourself, listen to your inner voice, and feel comfortable (not selfish) making your needs a priority so that you can build your physical and emotional health. This in turn will create space and energy in your life for the seed of dating to take root and blossom.
Nurture yourself- Lower your expectations. Try for a week to set your expectations where your life is right now. Notice how good you feel when you're able to meet your expectations instead of falling short.
- . Relationships at the core are about being disappointed over and over again and choosing to care anyway. Yes, your kids might be disappointed when you say no to something they want to do, but this is necessary so that you can say yes to something you want to do.
- Improve your self-care habits. Find a little space in your life to breathe. Remove the title Supermom or Superdad from your resume. You'll be surprised to find out that your kids still love and respect you even if you do serve cereal for dinner one night a week.
- Create the support you need. Find other single parents in your community and create an extended family. If you can set up a system of shared childcare, it will also afford you the opportunity to go out without having to come up with babysitting funds.
Learn to trust yourself- Choose not to be motivated by fear. If you're dating because you're afraid to be alone, are worried what people might think if you sit home on weekends, or if you're settling for less than you want in a dating relationship because you don't think there is anyone better out there for you -- think again. Any choice you make out of fear is wasting your time and energy.
- Listen to your intuition. You really do know exactly what you want, if you could just block out the voices of your family and friends who think they know what is best for you. Listening to others' advice will get you off track and take you much longer to reach your goals.
- Don't waste time on a second date if you don't like the person. Your time is precious. There are ways to be kind and still say no. The sooner you learn that not everybody is going to like you, the less time you will waste making choices based on guilt and social programming.
Make your needs a priority- Share the housework. There are things your kids can do for themselves. Learning to do for themselves will raise a child's self-esteem, develop life skills AND give you some time to relax.
- Get organized. Make a list of everything you need to get done around the house. Write it all down, so it won't be nagging in the back of your mind. Take ONLY 30 minutes a day and tackle the list one item at a time. Set a timer and STOP after 30 minutes. Use the rest of your time to focus on your dating goals. I promise that developing a social life will do more for your emotional state than having a clean house!
- Use your car time. When driving alone, turn off the radio and enjoy the quiet time to think about yourself - not the responsibilities of the day. You'll be amazed how rejuvenating a little daydreaming can be.
- Take a timeout. At every stage of parenting (life), there are many tense moments which are often blown out of proportion when you are stressed with the job of being a single parent. When you feel yourself spiraling into an argument with your kids (friends, family, co-workers), remove yourself. Learning to disengage so you can strategize a better response saves time.
If all of the above feels too selfish, let me remind you of something everyone in your family already knows: If Mom or Dad is not happy, nobody is! A good parent is one who takes care of themselves so that they are not overwhelmed with the job of raising their children.
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