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You Asked... "How Do I Get Over Him?"

Experts and readers answer our members' toughest dating and relationship questions

By Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., Tom Blake, and G.J. dePillis Updated: Nov 20, 2009
You Asked...
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"How do I get over this person? My friends tell me that he was the wrong person for me, as we broke up numerous times in our year-long relationship. I really do love him and can't get him out of my mind. Every day something reminds me of him. I was kind of the one who asked, 'Are we calling it quits?' to which he replied, 'Since you brought the question up, yes.' He told me that he didn't want any more emails or calls from me, but I just can't resist sneaking in an email once in awhile.
 
"My head says to 'get over him' but my heart tells me I love him. How does one get over someone who you continue to love but who apparently does not love you back? How do I get on with my life and get him out of my mind? I've tried dating other people, but the dates are a complete failure because I would rather be with HIM." -- Elda T., 68, Venice, Florida
 
Tina B. Tessina, Ph. D. answers:
Dear Elda -- I'm so sorry you're suffering a loss. Friends are often very wise, and yours watched your ups and downs and saw that it wasn't a great fit. If you asked, "Are we calling it quits?" you also knew it wasn't working very well. It's time for head over heart. Every time you email or contact him, you reopen the wound and begin your grieving over again.
What you may not realize is that you're not in love with your ex; you're in love with your fantasy of your ex. You've taken every tiny good moment you remember, forgotten all the unpleasant ones, and created a gorgeous fantasy for yourself that no real man can live up to. That's not good for you, and doesn't make for a happy life. You may also be resisting letting him go because you've decided it means something bad about you -- that you weren't good enough for him. What's true is that he wasn't good for you.
“Forgive yourself, forgive him, and put away all your dreams and mementos.”
Forgive yourself, forgive him, and put away all your dreams and mementos. Literally, box up everything that reminds you of him -- pictures, cards, letters, gifts -- and get them out of your sight. Spend time with your friends, and build a good life for yourself. Before you know it, you'll figure out what went wrong here; you'll open up to other men; and you'll be able to put this relationship in the category of "memory" and build a new one that's even better. As long as you learn and grow, you'll always get something better.
Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., is a licensed psychotherapist in private practice and author of 13 books in 14 languages, including "It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction." Subscribe to her "Happiness Tips from Tina" newsletter at tinatessina.com.
Tom Blake answers:
Elda -- You broke up numerous times in a year? When couples do that, it's a sign of a dysfunctional relationship. A no-win situation. Why in the world would you want to be with somebody who doesn't want to be with you? I don't care how handsome he is, how rich and wonderful he is -- he's not good for you.
You must have known he was going to end the relationship because you were the one who asked him about it. Stop being in denial. You need to be more mature. Do not email or contact him again. When you do that, you relinquish all progress you've made on the road to recovery and slip back to the healing starting point.
“Look into your mirror and say to yourself, "He has ruined my self-esteem and I'm not going to take it anymore.”
Look into your mirror and say to yourself, "He has ruined my self-esteem and I'm not going to take it anymore. I'm 68, my remaining years are precious. Either I spend it with someone who loves me dearly or I will spend it by myself and with friends."
Then, repeating that mantra, get involved in activities you enjoy and don't look back. Time heals all wounds. Some days will be easier than others. Promise yourself that you will never get involved with a man who doesn't treat you as you should be treated.
You have to work on you. Make yourself a more interesting person by taking the focus off your hurting heart and putting it into a positive attitude and a smile. As Bob Seger sang years ago in a song: "You'll be fine...in your time."
Tom Blake is an author, syndicated columnist and expert on dating after 50. Go to his website at findingloveafter50.com for dating articles and to sign up for his newsletter.
G.J. DePillis answers:
Okay, Elda! Buckle up, this troubleshooting may get bumpy:
1. Examine the Symptoms:
  • For a year, you have been in a rollercoaster relationship.
  • Your friends dislike your mate.
  • Your heart and head give you conflicting messages.
  • You want to control the situation.
  • Your other dates have been unsatisfactory because you compare them to "him" and they fall short.
  • You act obsessed with this man, but are searching to get rid of him.
2. Find the Root Cause:
For you, this man is a symptom that reveals a deeper problem. What is your motivation for wanting a man who is ambivalent toward you? Is your "must-have-husband clock" ticking too fast? Your letter indicates that he conveys, "You are not quite good enough to be seen with me." This shows that he is only receiving and judging, but not contributing to the relationship.
“If you were really in love with him, your head and heart would agree.”
If you were really in love with him, your head and heart would agree. You wouldn't want to strive to be in control by sending him emails, finding excuses to keep in touch, and then suggesting a breakup. I suspect you are obsessed with manipulating him instead.
An obsession is something that persistently dominates your thoughts even against your better judgment. You feel the target is elusive but almost within your grasp. It reveals that you are focusing on controlling the target. What sort of void is there in your life that you are trying to fill by controlling this ambivalent, judgmental man?
3. Apply the Resolution:
Respect. Stop dating men to erase the image of your ex. Respect your dates by focusing on them when you are with them. Respect yourself by improving your own talents via workshops and classes. Respect your ex by leaving him alone. You have destroyed your own credibility by saying you will break up, but then you don't follow through.
Work on having the integrity to keep your word so people will take you seriously. A lot of this drama seems to be created by you. Why? Is your life boring otherwise? Talk it over with a close friend, counselor or clergy, and get busy becoming a better you!
G.J. dePillis' book "How to Troubleshoot Your Mate" shows how to apply principles from engineering, the second oldest profession, to create a more satisfying love relationship. Sign up for G.J.'s free newsletter at pure-force.com.
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A Yahoo! Contributor
I am in the same spot. Physically, she was perfect for me (and every other guy in town too)! The woman I wanted her to be and thought she was was a delusion. She was very untrusting of me, which shows she was an untrustworthy person. She was a liar and a cheater. Despite being “exclusive” with me, she kept many dating profiles active and was making dates, she kept many close ‘platonic’ male friends who she exchanged inappropriate pictures and texts with, and her best girl friends are cheaters. We argued often (about petty and big issues) in 2+ months and even broke up for a week. I later learned that she was definitely in talks and probably sleeping with other men during our relationship and short breakup. Both times I broke up with her I felt such relief, but later regretted it because I created this perfect image of her. I embarrassed myself and foolishly tried desperately getting her back because I missed what I thought and wished we had. Over the last couple months she was very mean. She’s said mean things, she sends me mixed messages, and brags about her other relationships. I learned that she was screwing her “platonic” friends shortly after our breakup, which means that my suspicions were correct that they were not just “platonic” but were either active lovers or a Plan B (and a threat to our relationship). Despite her wrongs to me, she refuses to admit responsibility or apologize for her behavior. I don’t miss her, but I do miss the good times and my image of her, but when I think of her I get disgusted. My real problem is just learning to trust women again. This is a real area of concern because she turned out to be so untrustworthy.
A Yahoo! Contributor
This is so strange. I was just thinking of the great progress I have made regarding getting over my ex. He was really the wrong person for me. But, I was newly divorced, and he paid me the attention that I longed for. After having to pay for everything in the relationship (literally), having him treat his friends better then myself, I finally came to my senses, and dumped him. It&#39;s strange, because I think about it, a lot. The thought of contacting him ever again, is a no brainer. NEVER. The part that makes me angry is, I know better. He was the wrong person who filled a void, and it makes me angry, that he didn&#39;t give two rips, and never looked back. Even though he was the wrong person for me, I did try and give it my all. I wanted it to work. Now, I have a hard time relating to men, when a &quot;selfish&quot; red flag goes up....man, people can be so self absorbed and selfish, that it baffles me....
A Yahoo! Contributor
I am going through the same thing. I understand how she feels completely.
A Yahoo! Contributor
Yup!! .... me too .. but i just give up!! i am going on my life and things are working out .... my guy ... hes something else and i think i am in love the idea of him and not him .... but he has issues .... he has alots of going up too do ..... things like this ... u just have to smile and .... wave good bye and move on ....
A Yahoo! Contributor
Its funny I’m going through the same thing now “a sad break up” unfortunately he is the father of my daughter so its even harder to move on. He has cheated on me so many times. This will be the last. I can not take the deceitfulness any longer The relationship has been a long 7 years but a lot of good memories. .No matter how lonely at times it will be I have to cross the bridge and go on my own I’m scared as hell! I’m 40 years old I know 20 years old who have a hard time meeting someone. How am I going to do this?. But life is to short to be in relationship where only ones in love
A Yahoo! Contributor
i understand how you feel completely. you can get through this! i&#39;ve gotten through it before. it takes time, but you can do it! i know i don&#39;t know you, but i believe in you!
A Yahoo! Contributor
Time does heal. I was married for 17 years and dated him for 7 years before that. Near the end, he treated me awfully and he ignored the children. I soon learned that he was dating his thesis student. It was extremely difficult because we were living overseas and we have two small children (both on the autism spectrum). I didn&#39;t have time to mourn but picked myself up and moved back to the states to be near family and to advocate for my children. As two years have now gone by, my ex has only visited the children three times. My eyes have finally opened and I realize that he was the not the same person I thought he was. Sometimes we tend to see people through rose coloured glasses. My kids are doing much better and I feel like I have had a second chance at life. You should look at your loss as an opportunity for something much better.
A Yahoo! Contributor
Find a man girl!
A Yahoo! Contributor
well gurl u need to stop thinking bout him nd stuff... i have same problem as u... but sometimes i dont think bout him... when i broke up with my ex i keep thinking bout him nd everything nd my frend told me dat his not gonna be the last guy for me...nd dey say der r many boys out er better dan him... nd plus i blive dem nd now i have a new nd i forgot bout my ex.. i kno its hard to forget someone dat u really love but u have to try to forget dem...
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I&#39;m 52 and things just deteriorated between my faincee and me. She was irrationally jealous, and I was occasionally abusive toward her verbally. We had fantastic times together, but there were too many cloudy and dark moments as well. Ii was quite ironic that we separated under a complete and inane misunderstanding, but in my heart of herats, things would have ended at some point later on, so better that it did now. Best, Edna.
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