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My Daughter Doesn't Want Me to Date

By Sheila Ellison Answering your questions about dating for single parents and after divorce Updated: Jun 18, 2008

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I'm recently divorced after 20 years of marriage. My daughter, who is 16 and lives with me, has a problem with me dating. What should I do to help her understand I need adult time? -- James W., 45, Marietta, Georgia

James, does your daughter spend time with her friends, talk on the phone, or email pals? Just as she enjoys and needs the company of people her own age, so do you. When I started dating, I joked with my daughter that

if she were willing to spend her Friday night at home with me, I wouldn't go on the date!

if she were willing to spend her Friday night at home with me, I wouldn't go on the date!! She got the point.

It may also be that since you're recently divorced, she's just getting used to the idea. She may be afraid of losing you, or jealous that someone else may take her position in your life. Assure her that nothing will ever replace the relationship you have with her. Give her lots of reassurance and, if possible, go on your dates when she isn't staying with you or when she's spending the night at a friend's.

Sheila Ellison is the author of "The Courage to Love Again: Creating Happy, Healthy Relationships After Divorce," "The Courage to Be a Single Mother: Becoming Whole Again After Divorce," "How Does She Do It? 101 Life Lessons from One Mother to Another," and "If Women Ruled the World" as well as six bestselling parenting books. She is the founder of SingleMomsConnect.com, an organization that connects single mothers in a one-to-one friendship that offers practical, emotional, and physical support as each woman rebuilds her life. She has appeared on "Oprah," NBC's "Later Today, and "The Early Show" on CBS. Her web site is CompleteMom.com.

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Report Abuse 1. Posted by A Yahoo! Contributor Sat, Mar 1, 2008, 8:56 am PST

Your advice is very good! I told both of my kids..if they could promise me that they would never go on a date, stay at home for ever and never have a life of thier own that I would not date. I think at that point they got it!

Report Abuse 2. Posted by A Yahoo! Contributor Sat, May 10, 2008, 5:06 pm PDT

I am a woman dating a man with two children at home; a 21year old girl and a 15 year old boy. The girl is rude and undermines our relationship (takes down photos of us, talks only to her dad with me right there, etc.) He doesn't see the behavior and fault me for not havng a relationship with them I laughed when I read the suggestion to say "If you want to stay home with me on Friday night I won't go out", because he takes her with him to nightclubs, etc. She has little/no social life and he is fine with being her "date".

Report Abuse 3. Posted by A Yahoo! Contributor Sat, May 10, 2008, 5:13 pm PDT

Trust me, almost any daughter out there who has a single dad does not want him to have any other woman in his life, and if her staying home and never getting a life will keep him all to herself, she will gladly do it. It may be natural but the guys have to wake up to the fact it is happening and gently put and end to it, not buy into it. She will always be his daughter but she should NOT be his confidant, date, "sweetheart" etc. It is not healthy for either of them and certainly not for any relationships he hopes to have with a woman he is not related to! Yeah, the daughter may be jealous and posessive, but it's the dad's job to help her understand that any woman he dates he will have a completely different, romantic and adult place in his life. I'm not talking about little girls, i'm talking about teens/adults.

Report Abuse 4. Posted by A Yahoo! Contributor Tue, May 27, 2008, 7:49 pm PDT

Your daughter's family has just broken up and you need to date? Your daughter doesn't get to see you every day like she did all or most of her life and you want to further cut into her time with you by bringing in to the relationship another person to whom you (and she) will be obligated? Focus on her for a while. She'll be off to college in a couple of years, and I'll bet she'll be happier and healthier if you've been able to be really there for her in the meantime. Further, I'll bet you'll be happier and emotionally healthier, too.

Report Abuse 5. Posted by Zero Wed, Jun 18, 2008, 7:41 am PDT

Yeah... just tell the kid to grow up.

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