Melissa.........welcome to the growing pains of marriage. It appears that you've chosen flight rather than fight for your marriage. In order for you to do that, you were sorely lacking in feeling like you were in the right place in life. The only reason your hhe usband does not want to do the "therapy" thing is because he doesn't know how close to losing you he really is. However, this new guy is doing all the right things to keep your passions flowing. The other guy is going to enjoy the ride for as long as he can, when it stops being fun for him, he's on to his next adventure. Observe all the hurt he is causing his family now, be glad that you are not the wife, learn how to be a better wife to your husband because a strong marriage endures and grows. No one is perfect in life, we learn from our mistakes, and you grow as a couple when you both are concious that you stay together because you can count on each other. You need to find a way to open dialogue with each other so that you both can save your marriage. If it can't be saved, you both walk away knowing that you tried. Do not let the other guy have an influence in your marriage. Good luck to you and please stay focused.

I agree with all the experts in ending the affair. You must try to be successful, or at least understand why you are not successful in your own marriage before moving on. If you are in the position to get another job, I would do so to make things easier for you both. A relationship (your affair) based on lies and lack of commitment is doomed for failure. You both are showing your worst selves to each other. If you ever were in a long term relationship with your married lover, how would you ever be able to trust him and him you? Nothing good can come from something that begins this way...the grass only looks greener.

I am in a similar situation as Melissa. I have been married 22 years and am seeing a woman who has been married for 23 years. All our kids have moved on except one. We met by chance and were attracted due to similar circumstances in our marriages. We both enjoy getting out and trying new things, meeting new people and going to new places. Our spouses prefer to sit at home and have no desire for fun or adventure. Our relationship at this point is more like friends discussing the frustrations of marriage where the spark no longer exists. We both share the feeling that we have nothing to look forward to except bying time until we die. We're mid 40's and want to vigorously enjoy life now that our kids have been raised. I have talked to my wife for years about getting out together for some fun, but she is a homebody. Anything we have done in the past 5 years was my doing and often took some arm twisting. I understand the counseling thing and fighting for the marriage, but at what point does the hard work, negotiating and fighting to do something fun cease to be worthwhile? If we in fact actually do get out I always get the feeling she is not enjoying herself and would prefer to be sitting at home. So can you change a person by going to counseling? Or do you end up reaching some middle ground where you're both unhappy? While raising kids there is a common ground you share as a couple. After kids you kind of look at each other and say "now what do we do?" Nothing has happened with this other woman, but given we are the opposite sex I know one thing can often lead to another. I'm not necessarily looking for this, and I don't think she is either, but we are both realistic. Any suggestions?

Reply to Poster #3; I can't say I feel all that sorry for you. You knew what type of woman you married most likely before the "I do's" were said. Just like the woman you are hanging with knew what type of man she was marrying. You can't change a person to fit your idea of a perfect person. And it already sounds like you have made up your mind to possibly sleep with her if you had the chance. What I don't get is why marry someone you knew wasn't into the same things you were? I admit to being more of a homebody type however when a certain place or event strikes my interest I would like to be there because sitting at home for it isn't enough. Instead of just admitting defeat and letting nature take its course with your friend how about finding things that interest your wife or would probably interest her and she would have no choice but to go out to experience it. How about plan a surprise trip for it? Finding a middle ground isn't all about being unhappy. Unless it's all about you and what you want to do. Sometimes a compromise is about finding things you each like to do and take turns doing it with each other. If you're not interested in anything your wife might find exciting then it would be better to call it quits before any affairs take place. The least you could do is end your marriage with some grace. And hey introduce your wife to your friend's husband (if she's getting a divorce as well) they sound like they might have a good time together enjoying the comforts of home.

To Melissa J and writer #3. Your behavior is not only self-centered, but it is just plain awful. I say this as a person who has been on both ends of this kind of relationship. I have cheated on my husband (now ex) only to lose my marriage in the end. At first we tried to work things out, but during that time my husband met another woman (while we were supposedly trying to save our marriage) and I was on the other end of this nightmare. The bottom line -- I was a horrible wife and partner who did not put my marriage and my children first, and learned this about myself only too late. And believe me, the children suffer. During the last part of my marriage, I became the person now who could be trusted and wanted to honor the marriage, and my ex had become the infidel. Basically, he was a man-whore who just wanted to be single again. Cheating is just as it sounds. It's cheating. It's lying. It's stealing. It's disgusting, and anyone who tells you otherwise is trash. I was divorced 8 years ago, and I'm now with a man whom I adore... and who I can trust. Not only do I trust him implicitly, but I trust myself. I will never lower myself to such a degrading level that I would not only cheat on him, but that I would be with someone who is cheating on his wife. I was an awful person back then. Never again.

To Melisa and the others, i say you only fall in a pit but please try and get up? the question is how many men now in the world does not cheat on their wives? a woman does it and it is a taboo, but let me tell you that you have nothing to be ashamed of, because men does not feel ashamed when they jump from one woman to the other, the only difference in your case is coming out to say it but believe me there are thousands of women out there who cheat and keep quit over it, if you choose to talk about it you will get people who are not even worthy to judge to judge you because you want to be open and plain, people keep some of these things to themselves and no one knows about it, not to say is a good thing but we are all not perfect in our doings, maybe you cheated on your marriage , but others does worse more things secretly. i will only say to you to keep certain things to yourself and learn from your past mistakes on your own, don't come public it won't help solve your problem but rather sell it, so see a counsellor instead for professional help. Best wishes.

Melissa maybe your marriage wasn't as bad as you thought it was, that is, if he didn't think so. Maybe deep down inside you just wanted some excitement and/or an 'out'. My husband cheated on me and married the girl after our divorce. They were only married for 10 months. We had a good marriage and now he realizes what he threw away. Cheating is wrong. Marriage is about compatibility, friendship, love, honor, and most of all trust. I wish I could meet someone who hasn't cheated on their spouse and can see that marriage is a partnership. I hope someday I can find my best friend again.

Cheaters are pigs!! You both should be ashamed of yourselves!! You ruined each others marriages and don't care who you have hurt. You two deserve each other!

Melissa - I think since you asked, something deep in you is still telling you that this does not feel right. Get through this with your dignity, self-respect and peace that you could sleep soundly at night now and later. Work on your marriage first with your husband with your affair in the back burner. As you thought, do seek help. He is probably not understanding it. Tell him explicitly and be clear that you are not happy and suggest you want help. Also tell him that you want this marriage to work and that you do not want divorce. No matter what happens, you will feel better about yourself and have better relationships. I am a man and is currently living through it from my soon-tobe ex-wife's decisions. As painful and life-changing experience this is, I can sleep well at night and I can enjoy my time with my family, friends and most especially my 3-yr old daughter. By the way, contrary to what others say, I do know a lot of men and women who has not cheated. It is your choice.

I see that this is a little old, but hopefully someone will still give me some advice. I was married at age 15 and have been married to the same guy for 30 years now. Our last child left home this summer for college; I can't say we're empty-nesters because now our oldest daughter and her 2 kids have moved in with us. I feel that our marriage has worked because I hold to my commitments. I wouldn't call us high school sweethearts - he had already dropped out of school when we met. He is 4 years older than me. There's a lot of history to cover so I'll just try to get to the point. I've never been totally "in love" or happy with out marriage. Lately I've wondered if I really knew enough about my husband and life to make a marriage decision at age 15. I can contribute most of it to my parents - bless their hearts - I was their 2nd daughter to end up pregnant, and they are devout Baptists. I have had wandering eyes throughout the years, and cheated once many many years ago. Recently I have been spending time with a business acquaintence and now find myself having deep feelings for him. He seemed to be giving me signals that he felt the same (he is married); I couldn't eat or sleep well and finally told him how I felt. He was flattered and wondered if he had done something... first I said no, then Yes, actually. We were in a hurried situation and I didn't really get to say all I wanted. Now when I see him, we just don't talk about it. We aren't alone very often. I just feel lovesick and don't want to give up, but also don't want to and wouldn't do anything to break up his happy home. MUST I GIVE UP? Please help me.