If you're one of the 95 million Americans who stubbornly refuse to join in wedded bliss, the commemorative holiday you've been feverishly anticipating is finally here. That's right, spouse-less slackers, it's National Unmarried And Single Americans Week! Possessors of a marriage license, get thee to the sleepy bedroom 'burbs. This week is NOT for you!

As for the rest -- I know it's difficult to contain your exuberance. You've no doubt already planned several rollicking events, probably involving whipped cream and speed dating. After all, times when you can officially celebrate not having a ball & chain come but once a year. (Excluding bachelor parties. Obviously.)

The esteemed holiday was founded in 1984 by a courageous group of Ohioans called the Buckeye Singles Council, who clearly had too much free time on their (ring-less) hands. Disgruntled with the smug marrieds in their state, they decided that they just wouldn't stand for it anymore.

No longer would they ignore the blatant favoritism accorded to those with marriage certificates!

No longer would they put up with the inferior status of those without contractual agreements sealed with large, expensive parties involving multi-tiered cakes!

No longer would they answer their mother's insistent phone calls about "that nice Jewish orthodontist"!

They retaliated by proclaiming that forthwith, the third week in September would be reserved solely for honoring unmarried people throughout the nation as well as creating awareness of the rampant discrimination against their kind.

Oh, you think the unattached don't really suffer discrimination? I bet you're married, you single-hater!

According to one dating expert I spoke with, "There is still a stigma and embarrassment about being alone."

Yeah! Here's to all the stigmatized, embarrassed singles out there. Grab your cats and a bottle of warm white wine and raise a toast to life without joint tax returns, "checking in," and mandatory visits with ugly in-laws.

"This week single people are finally given permission to actually get out and enjoy themselves," the expert explained.

Permission? Singles are the only people who DON'T need permission to go enjoy themselves!

Beyond that, how should we losers without wedding bands celebrate this momentous occasion? Alcohol, nudity, repeated trips to Scores?

According to the expert, we can "get a good night's sleep, hang out with friends, or go for a great haircut."

Personally, I was leaning towards the alcohol and nudity, but okay. I guess a haircut sounds nice too.

And of course, nothing says "I'm going all out to properly commemorate National Unmarried and Single Americans Week" like getting a good night's sleep.

I knew this was going to be the Best Week Ever.