Create Your
Even a shy guy will respond if you make it easy for him.
You Asked... "Why Won't He Respond?"
Experts and readers answer our members' toughest dating and relationship questions
By Diana Kirschner, David Wygant, and Chelsea Summers Updated: May 22, 2009
RATING THIS ARTICLE
I've been interested in a guy for a few years, and our relationship is mainly through emails. We have met in person a number of times, talked on the phone a lot, and chatted online. I know he is interested too, but he is terribly shy (but I like it). When I offer him more clues of evolving our relationship from friendship to romantic, he backs away. I try to respect he needs distance. Still, I don't want to be making a fool of myself.Nikki, This sounds like a relationship that is giving you very little fulfillment and a lot of pain. It could be one of the dead-end dating patterns I call "Fantasy." When we are in the Fantasy trap, we want to believe that someone is into us but are just having a problem expressing it. We make up all kinds of excuses, like "he is shy," and look for hints that the person loves us. But we ignore the clear signs that he or she does not.
In your case it has been years and, as you say, every time you take the first big step, he regresses.
Even a shy guy will respond if you make it easy for him.
Even a shy guy will respond if you make it easy for him. That is, he will make the next move if he is truly into you. I'm sorry to say, I don't believe this guy is.
Even a shy guy will respond if you make it easy for him. You need to bite the bullet, give up on him and start to see other guys, ones who are actually available. I know it's like ripping your heart out, but no guts, no glory. And the interesting thing is, if he does want you, your dating other guys could motivate him to come after you!
David Wygant AnswersHey Nikki, You're a 30-year-old woman who is in what I consider to be the best years of her dating life. That's not to say that people over the age of 40 or 50 are not in a great time to date, but when you reach 30 you've gotten past the drama days of your 20s and you really get to know yourself.
I hope you've been dating other people the last few years and have not been waiting for this guy to make a decision about you. You drop clues, he backs away, and you give him distance. How many more years are you going to waste on this man?
Not to sound harsh, but enough already! You sound like a woman who is full of passion and life experience. But you're playing a guessing game by hinting. Enough with the hints!
It's time to sit him down face-to-face and tell him how you feel.
It's time to sit him down face-to-face and tell him how you feel.
It's time to sit him down face-to-face and tell him how you feel. Nikki, you're not alone. A lot of people are afraid to communicate what's on their mind because they don't want to make a fool of themselves. In reality, though, by not communicating what's on your mind and doing a dance full of hints, you're making a fool of yourself. Being honest with somebody is the best way to figure out what is going on in a situation.
Hinting is hiding behind fears so you're not getting rejected and not putting it out there -- and thus you don't really know what the other person feels, and it's safe. Stop playing it safe! It's time to find out whether Mr. Scaredy Cat is ready for a relationship or not. You don't want to waste another couple of years.
Chelsea Summers AnswersNikki, You've written a kind of 21-car pile-up of questions, but here's the scenario as it seems to me: You've had consistent online and occasional offline contact with this man for a considerable period of time. He has responded incrementally yet encouragingly, you've recently taken a risk and averred your feelings, and you've not heard back in what you consider a timely fashion. Essentially, you've got two overlapping ideas of time -- yours and his -- and they aren't meshing.
If you've been doing this electronic emotional dance for "a few years" and you're not getting what you want, it's time to walk away. I'm all for being patient with men, especially those toothsome shy ones, but "a few years" is too long to wait.
It's absolutely time for you to summon your best self, cut your losses, and learn to value your time.
It's absolutely time for you to summon your best self, cut your losses, and learn to value your time.
It's absolutely time for you to summon your best self, cut your losses, and learn to value your time. That said, your letter also seems to suggest that you have a pre-ordained narrative of how relationships should play out in your head. You're not alone; we all do. It might help you to take a look at your expectations and see how they are hindering you, rather than helping you.
Consider why you are "tempted not to reply for a week" when a guy writes you. Are you punishing him? Or yourself? What does that time give you? Control? Or merely the appearance of it? Being honest with yourself about what you're doing (and why you're doing it) will go a long way to helping you find a long-lasting and real romance.
Once you've let this relationship go -- and I suggest you do -- take some time for yourself and figure out what changes you need to make to find a man who cares about you with true openness, intimacy and love.
What's your question? If you're a Yahoo! Personals member with an active profile, you're eligible to submit a question. We'll select challenging questions for experts and readers to answer. Submit your question here
Now it's your turn to answer this question. Yahoo! Personals reserves the right to delete any off-topic comments from readers.
LEAVE A COMMENT
