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DATING TIPS
Making Time for Dating: A To-Do List for Single Parents

By Sheila Ellison Updated: Jul 25, 2009
Sheila Ellison
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To be successful in the dating world, you must approach it like you would any other goal. That means more than writing it down in your journal. Goals don't get accomplished without a list of things you can actually DO that will help you to reach the goal.
If dating is your goal, then the first thing on your to-do list needs to be how to
“create time in your life to move into dating mode”
create time in your life to move into dating mode. You'll need to clear hours in your schedule to devote to activities such as reading profiles online, contacting others, and having a social life.
The problem is that for most parents, just managing life and kids takes all the energy they have. So I'd like to suggest a shift in your attitude. You say yes to everyone else; you work, you get your kids to their lessons, help with homework, cook, and clean, but often you feel too guilty to say yes to yourself. Since there is only a limited amount of time in each day, your first job is to juggle the schedule around so that a "fair" amount of time lands in your lap (hint: saying NO will help).
With the time you bravely reclaim, you are going to learn to nurture yourself, listen to your inner voice, and feel comfortable (not selfish) making your needs a priority so that you can build your physical and emotional health. This in turn will create space and energy in your life for the seed of dating to take root and blossom.
Nurture yourself
  • Lower your expectations. Try for a week to set your expectations where your life is right now. Notice how good you feel when you're able to meet your expectations instead of falling short.
  • . Relationships at the core are about being disappointed over and over again and choosing to care anyway. Yes, your kids might be disappointed when you say no to something they want to do, but this is necessary so that you can say yes to something you want to do.
  • Improve your self-care habits. Find a little space in your life to breathe. Remove the title Supermom or Superdad from your resume. You'll be surprised to find out that your kids still love and respect you even if you do serve cereal for dinner one night a week.
  • Create the support you need. Find other single parents in your community and create an extended family. If you can set up a system of shared childcare, it will also afford you the opportunity to go out without having to come up with babysitting funds.
Learn to trust yourself
  • Choose not to be motivated by fear. If you're dating because you're afraid to be alone, are worried what people might think if you sit home on weekends, or if you're settling for less than you want in a dating relationship because you don't think there is anyone better out there for you -- think again. Any choice you make out of fear is wasting your time and energy.
  • Listen to your intuition. You really do know exactly what you want, if you could just block out the voices of your family and friends who think they know what is best for you. Listening to others' advice will get you off track and take you much longer to reach your goals.
  • Don't waste time on a second date if you don't like the person. Your time is precious. There are ways to be kind and still say no. The sooner you learn that not everybody is going to like you, the less time you will waste making choices based on guilt and social programming.
Make your needs a priority
  • Share the housework. There are things your kids can do for themselves. Learning to do for themselves will raise a child's self-esteem, develop life skills AND give you some time to relax.
  • Get organized. Make a list of everything you need to get done around the house. Write it all down, so it won't be nagging in the back of your mind. Take ONLY 30 minutes a day and tackle the list one item at a time. Set a timer and STOP after 30 minutes. Use the rest of your time to focus on your dating goals. I promise that developing a social life will do more for your emotional state than having a clean house!
  • Use your car time. When driving alone, turn off the radio and enjoy the quiet time to think about yourself - not the responsibilities of the day. You'll be amazed how rejuvenating a little daydreaming can be.
  • Take a timeout. At every stage of parenting (life), there are many tense moments which are often blown out of proportion when you are stressed with the job of being a single parent. When you feel yourself spiraling into an argument with your kids (friends, family, co-workers), remove yourself.  Learning to disengage so you can strategize a better response saves time.
If all of the above feels too selfish, let me remind you of something everyone in your family already knows: If Mom or Dad is not happy, nobody is! A good parent is one who takes care of themselves so that they are not overwhelmed with the job of raising their children.
More Dating Tips:
Sheila Ellison is the author of "The Courage to Love Again: Creating Happy, Healthy Relationships After Divorce," "The Courage to Be a Single Mother: Becoming Whole Again After Divorce," "How Does She Do It? 101 Life Lessons from One Mother to Another," and "If Women Ruled the World" as well as six bestselling parenting books. She is the founder of SingleMomsConnect.com, an organization that connects single mothers in a one-to-one friendship that offers practical, emotional, and physical support as each woman rebuilds her life. She has appeared on "Oprah," NBC's "Later Today, and "The Early Show" on CBS. Her web site is CompleteMom.com.
Leave a comment COMMENTS33 COMMENTS
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A Yahoo! Contributor
That was a very good interesting article for me. I&#39;m a single mom with kids. I am slowly feeling comfortable to start to date someone. It&#39;s hard to juggle time for myself, my kids and all the other chores and responsibilities. I&#39;ve waited 5 years to even start to think about dating. I wanted to do it in healthy way. Love comes to you when you least expect it and are happy with yourself. I&#39;m not a desperate peson by nature and I&#39;m very cautious about who I meet, especially with children involved.\ Thanks for writing this article. I&#39;ll put it to good use.
Stephanie
I get the picture people :)
A Yahoo! Contributor
I have just really started to see someone and it is hard. I have 3 kids. 2 of them have finished school and are doing their own thing while I still have one at home. She has been my sidekick forever. It has been hard but I am going to give these guidelines a try and see what happens. thanks for the info.
No Photo
I AM A GOOD MAN WITH MY WOMAN ALL THE TIME
A Yahoo! Contributor
I agree with you again . Hopefully , I will get accepted . And to find wonderful laidy whom ended the Medical School or Engineering School &quot;A.Doctor Laidy , Architectural , Mechanical , Electrical ,Civil , ..... ect . &quot; . I&#39;ll try my best to improve myself according to your advices .
A Yahoo! Contributor
One more checklist item might be removing all traces of the kids from the house when you bring the dude over for the inaugarural consummation summit. Cocoa butter works wonder on stretch marks.
Terri
When you have children, there will always be something else besides dating that you could be doing. Being a parent can be all consuming if you let it. I agree with the article and setting time for dating is a must, if you really want to meet someone special. Never go on the second date out of guilt, you could be missing out on the right person if you do. I would like to add that whether or not your date is a success for both of you or not, it is invigorating to know that you have done something for yourself to move you closer to finding the one.
Jonathan
I have read many articles lately about parents and dating. I am a 24 year old single father. I am a full time father, my girls are 1.5 and 2.5 years. I have been separated almost a year. I don&#39;t see how it is possible time wise to even think about dating. I work full time and school full time. I would love to see an article to address dating when you have younger children.
No Photo
I think, your cheldren or child should be apart of dating, because they will always come first Plan at least one or two dates a week with your younger children. why would you keep them out of it? in short i will always choose my child over a date any day..BESIDES IF THINGS GET LONLY I CAN ALWAYS FIND A NET DATE AND THE GOOD THING IS THAT WE CAN DO AND GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT LEAVING HOME. thats a good thing....
Elaine
I really liked this article. Sometimes I can see where it is easy getting caught up in all the frays in life and struggling thru them. I use to think the same thing, Everybody and everything first, all the time and you last. The old addage is true, if you aren&#39;t happy, no one else in the house is going to be happy either. Guilt was my big enemy when it came to me. Everything has it&#39;s time and place with a balance , including with your kids. I have 4 grown out of the house kids, grandkids, and I still have a preteen at home yet. I still at times have to step back and take a look at what needs to take priority and sometimes I need to take priority for me. It sometimes is a life -long learning process because of the changes and paces of the world around us.
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