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Can Our Love Go the Distance?

By Male Call Updated: May 22, 2009
Male Call
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Question: Can a long-distance relationship work? I am 53 (never married) and recently met a lovely woman, 44. I live in the San Francisco Bay Area, and she lives in Southern California. We have been enjoying emailing and phoning each other, and I will visit her soon. However, how can a lasting relationship ever develop if we rarely see each other? -- V.L., San Francisco Bay Area
 
Answer: We would be the last to say that long-distance relationships can't work. We happen to know someone who found themselves in just that situation. And through open, honest communication, clever scheduling and a willingness to meet the other person halfway, they were able to forge a solid relationship.
What's that? What happened to them? No, they never got married.
“They broke up after he met a flight attendant on the way to see her.”
They broke up after he met a flight attendant on the way to see her. Now they're married.
So things do work out sometimes.
A number of issues
Your question raises a number of issues. You say you "met" this woman and have been e-mailing and phoning, and will visit soon. If this means you "met'` her online, and have yet to actually get together - like, in person? - then you haven't really "met" her. Because even though you may have exchanged blurry photos, nothing can substitute for real face time. Only then can you see if you have that difficult to quantify quality that cyber daters like to refer to as "chemistry," or "how badly did he/she lie on the dating profile?"
So if this is an online-only thing so far, please employ a useful dating aphorism made popular by Ronald Reagan: Trust, but verify.
If you really have already met and now wonder if a relationship is worth pursuing from long distance, here are a couple of things to consider:
One of the best things about LDRs is that
“every meeting is a combination of Christmas and Mardi Gras”
every meeting is a combination of Christmas and Mardi Gras. When you see each other only once in a while, the buildup of anticipation can be, well, explosive. Invest in some of those tear-away warm-up pants they use on basketball teams.
Overlook annoying habits
The downside is that, because you're having so much fun getting reacquainted over and over and over again, you both might overlook annoying habits - and more serious character flaws - that would be more noticeable if you saw a lot of each other. Stuff like mullets, or vegetarianism.
The distance itself has its pluses and minuses. On one hand, it makes it easier to pursue other interests, because all of your time is not tied up on dates. At least not with her. (Kidding!)
On the other hand, if you do end up falling for her, it will get increasingly frustrating being far away. Even the most ardently erotic late-night phone calls can't make up for being there. Though you might try a Web-cam before doing anything drastic.
Our advice is to go ahead and give it a try, but do so without expectations. Yes, if you fall madly in love, one of you will probably have to move. But no need to worry about that at this early date. Instead, think of the frequent flier miles!
Want more Male Call? You'll find it here MercuryNews.com/malecall
Leave a comment COMMENTS50 COMMENTS
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A Yahoo! Contributor
Tried it and at some point one of the parties wants/needs/desires pnysical presence from a partner and so inevitably, a break-up occurs. At the risk of sounding cliche, there is a sea of people out there and even though this woman caught your fancy, who&#39;s to say someone closer to home couldn&#39;t as well. Avoid the heartbreak and find someone closer to yourself.
No Photo
Long distance relationships can definitely work! Last summer, I met a wonderful woman in Orlando - we were both there on business and happened to be staying in the same hotel. We had dinner a couple of evenings and spent countless hours in the hotel bar during that week talking and getting to know each other. She lives in the Northeast and I live in the deep South. After more than a year of both of us traveling to see each other, we made the decision that I would move to her town and we are in the process of making wedding plans. With patience, cooperation and communication, a long distance relationship can work as good - and maybe better - than a local one.
A Yahoo! Contributor
They don&#39;t work. After 7 years of a marriage which was intermittently long distance, we&#39;ve just grown apart. I know less of him now then I did 2 years, 4 years, 6 years ago. If you want it to work,you need to be together.
A Yahoo! Contributor
They don&#39;t work. After 7 years of a marriage which was intermittently long distance, we&#39;ve just grown apart. I know less of him now then I did 2 years, 4 years, 6 years ago. If you want it to work,you need to be together.
A Yahoo! Contributor
I can say that long distance relationship can work. I met my fiance online a year and a half ago and we met a week later. It was love at first sight and after a year and a half of dating, we are engaged and planning our family. It does get hard from time to time and I have felt like throwing in the towel sometimes, but I knew that he was worth working for. Frequent phone calls and IMing is what keeps us sane. My advice is, if you love that person enough to want to make the effort and sacrifice, then everything else will fall into place.
A Yahoo! Contributor
been there done that myself : yes it might start out with magic and fire and all the feelings that yer&#39; looking for !!!!! but you cant hug kiss , express your feeling u have torward that person over a phone dont get me wrong i miss her but long distances dont work....... k.p.w.
A Yahoo! Contributor
ok i am an online chatter who met a man from a chat room an he flew all the way to the east coast to meet me an yes i lied about what i looked like but he still came anyway! i moved back to his home state with him an at first it was rocky but we have since gotten married an things are great so yes it can work if ya really want it too
A Yahoo! Contributor
Are you saying that vegetarianism is an annoying habit or a serious character flaw? Being one I would like to konw how guys view me, with having and annoying habit or do they see me with a serious character flaw? Cute!
A Yahoo! Contributor
Having been in a long distance relationship for two years, yes, you do have to be creative and willing to meet half way. If you are not meant to be together, trust me, you&#39;ll find out on the first or second day of your visit. The best advice I got when I started this relationship was to go into the experience without expectations. You can worry about the long term later.
A Yahoo! Contributor
In my experience, people are usually setting themselves up for failure. I guess it&#39;s really about knowing yourself in the situation. If you have to sit there and think &quot;I&#39;m going to make this work,&quot; it probably won&#39;t. If you really believe in your heart that it&#39;s the right decision, then go for it. I think the silliest thing is when people who barely know each other try to have a longterm/long distance relationship. Those pretty much are the worst idea of any long distance relationship.
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