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What If I Have a Health Problem?

By Tom Blake Updated: May 22, 2009
Tom Blake
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I am a cancer survivor. I am also an honest, upfront person. I just went through a divorce, and I'm cautiously starting to date again. Do you think I should list my health history in my profile, or wait and discuss it after, say, a first email? I don't want to scare anyone, however, I have to discuss it at some point. My friends tell me not to list the cancer, but I feel that anyone who knows the facts will appreciate my honesty and accept me for who I am. What do you think? -- Colleen C., 51, Lewisville, Texas
 
Colleen,
“I respect your honesty, but I advise you to wait.”
I respect your honesty, but I advise you to wait. I've written a newspaper column on this topic that addresses your question. It's unfortunate, but in this age 50-plus dating world, expecting people to accept you for who you are before they know you, often doesn't work. If you get to the second or third-date stage and you like the person, then talk to them about it. Don't wait too long; you don't want to get too involved and then have somebody leave.
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Tom Blake has written more than 600 newspaper columns on middle age dating and relationships. His "Single Again" column is featured in the Orange County (Calif.) Register. Tom is the author of two books: "Finding Love After 50: How to Begin. Where to Go. What to Do" and "Middle Aged and Dating Again." He has made multiple appearances as a keynote speaker at national AARP conventions and as a dating after 50 expert on the NBC show, Today. Tom offers a free weekly "Finding Love After 50" e-letter at findingloveafter50.com.
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A Yahoo! Contributor
I agree with Mr. Blake as someone who has health problems. Don&#39;t scare a potential relationship off, but be honest with them soon because you can invest alot of emotion and time into the relationship before being upfront about having health problems and then both people get hurt if it turns out that the potential significant other can&#39;t or isn&#39;t willing to handle it.
A Yahoo! Contributor
I&#39;m 23 years old, I am currently battling cancer...I am going through chemo treatments as we speak. I met a really great guy online...and I&#39;m wondering how early is too early when talking about a situation like I&#39;m going through? We&#39;re so young...it&#39;s not a typical conversation...how do you go about bringing it up without scaring him off?
No Photo
I am 41 yrs old and I have multiple sclerosis could someone tell how and when to tell the girl
A Yahoo! Contributor
This is to Randy who has multiple sclerosis. I have had MS since i was 19. I am 51yr now and when i&#39;m on line chatting most men will ask what i do for work. And that&#39;s when i tell them. It&#39;s just easier that way.
David
I have spinal stenosis. I tell people in the first e-mail I have &quot;serious back problems.&quot; But then I say all the things I CAN do. It does not affect me sexually, and I very tactfully say that. (54 years young:)
Freddy
Ihad a stroke last year and it is something you cant hid for a short period of time to have two are three dates . Ithink up front is best
No Photo
I actually met the nicest man on here a couple of years ago. After a few dates, he called me and told me that he had to tell me something. We were going to spend the day together the next day, and I guess he was giving me a way out, if I couldn&#39;t handle that he had been diagnosed with an illness. I felt really bad for him, as I think he has always been very active and on the go. And now he didn&#39;t have the energy that he once had. But to tell you the truth, it didn&#39;t matter to me. I was already that into him, and would have never given it a second thought. It just didn&#39;t matter, I would have been there for him. I think he thought that he would be a burden to me, but that thought never crossed my mind. So if it makes a difference, it wasn&#39;t meant to be anyway. Cause I would have given him my last breath.
Deborah
i have been disabled since i was 29 , i am now 50,,, i like to mention i have an illness and it disables me on some aspects, i say this in my profile be cause it has been reason for splitting up in the past , they are ok until i have to go in for a long hospital stay and then they leave me in the hospital, and it is very hurtful,,, so i find its easier to mention right off ,,,,,i think it saves me alot of heart ache and it leaves it open for ?&#39;s
Diana
I included a few sentences near the end of my detailed profile, in which I have covered many areas of my life and favorite activities. In my case it is important to include the info there as I am unable to walk or stand normally, have issues with balance, and take strong medication for pain on a daily basis. I stated in my profile that I need to lie down several times a day and use this time to visit, listen to music, watch a movie, or just think about what I will do next. I think it sounds positive because I don&#39;t consider my rest time to be wasted time and am certainly able to enjoy it with a partner. There are some things I cannot do, but many more that I can. I am sure quite a few men have passed my profile and the chance to know me, but I am looking for the one who will be there to share life with me in good times and bad. The men I have dated have been great and after the first minute or two, my challenges never seemed to be an issue at all. The thing I notice is that these men, if anything, have been sure to ask how I am doing, see that I have everything I need and that I remain comfortable. I believe these men are better able to accept my challenges because I have been positive, truthful and upfront right from the start.I usually date men between 40 and 55, and have found men in this age group often have a problem or two of their own to cope with so they are quite forgiving of mine. If you had a health concern in the past, like cancer you have overcome, you might like to wait a bit to discuss it, especially if the chance of recurrence is low. If you are still in the treatment phase or recurrence is more likely, this may be a time to be more forthcoming with the facts. I wish you all the best!
A Yahoo! Contributor
I have depression. I couldn&#39;t do my job anymore because of it. As a result, I have not worked for 14 years. I have worked very hard on my recovery all these years. Because of the disablity benefits and some family business, I still have a pretty good income. My mood is much better--it seems even better than many people who don&#39;t have depression. But I can&#39;t go back to work yet because I still cannot concentrate and remember well enough to do a job. A lot of the time, men ask pretty early something like &quot;when will you be done with work tomorrow?&quot; or &quot;what do you do?&quot; I never quite know what to say if it comes up real early--like in emails before we&#39;ve talked on the phone or the first time we talk. In my profile where you indicate your occupation, I chose the &quot;I&#39;ll tell you later&quot; option.
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