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What's the Polite Way to Say, "Not Interested?"

By Tom Blake Updated: May 22, 2009
Tom Blake
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I'm new to online dating and do not know the protocol. What is the usual way of indicating to someone that you are no longer interested? Most people just seem to disappear, no longer responding to contacts. This seems so impersonal and rather mean. Yet, when I took the time to write someone that I was no longer interested, he wrote back upset that I'd told him. He said the proper method was to just no longer respond. Is this a good way to disconnect from someone? -- Alexandra M., 50, Sonoma, California
 
Alexandra, online dating can be cruel and impersonal. Many people just disappear, as you said. It's not considered rude. What you decide to do is up to you. If you'd feel better telling someone you're no longer interested, do it. And if they don't like that, just rise above their comments. You are merely being courteous, as you were brought up to be.
“Don't take their comments personally.”
Don't take their comments personally.
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Tom Blake has written more than 600 newspaper columns on middle age dating and relationships. His "Single Again" column is featured in the Orange County (Calif.) Register. Tom is the author of two books: "Finding Love After 50: How to Begin. Where to Go. What to Do" and "Middle Aged and Dating Again." He has made multiple appearances as a keynote speaker at national AARP conventions and as a dating after 50 expert on the NBC show, Today. Tom offers a free weekly "Finding Love After 50" e-letter at findingloveafter50.com.
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A Yahoo! Contributor
woaw... this is the perfect topic for me to read. thank you so much for the advice... whenever i try to reject a guy, it always seems so harsh... but... when i just pretend not to recieve their &quot;hints&quot; and &quot;clues&quot;, they just don&#39;t get it... awwwe.. i&#39;m just awful at human interactions... ne... i think i still need some more help though.... -kagura.
A Yahoo! Contributor
I think jumping around on different dates to find love is a WASTE OF TIME and heart break. When someone you like stopped talking to you, you simply realize that you tried to hard. PEOPLE SHOULD NOT FEIGN FOR LOVE OR happiness--IT WILL ONLY MAKE YOU MISERABLE! Although you can never be too certain if your going to last with someone, you should think logically about the situation...ask yourself &quot;where is this person going to bring me?&quot; instead of getting caught up in a pool of emotions, you should stay focused on yourself so that you don&#39;t lose your mind because someone didn&#39;t like you.
A Yahoo! Contributor
wow, u can explain and still feel Loved. If the other party refuses to respond or help, then leave as it is lah! haha! No problem, dun feel too sorry coz it does not help! haha! Just be Happy :) Life is like this, we must be able to take things easily and put things down easily too!! haha Life is for our enjoyment, enjoy it to the Fullest! Amen.
A Yahoo! Contributor
I&#39;ve been at htis for over 2 years and have had Plenty of rejection in all forms. MY 2 cents ____ If it is my first attempt to contact you and you are not interested - Please Ignor me , I understand and I don&#39;t need an explanation ! If we have exchanged emails , more than 1, it is ok to disappear but rude. If I have met you, face to face, it is not ok to disappear - but I still understand ! bottom line ... nothing says &quot; See Ya&quot;!! louder than total silence . rude or not it works
A Yahoo! Contributor
What does it means &quot;I have a lot of things going on right now?&quot;. Does it means saying no in a nice way?
A Yahoo! Contributor
Most people are rude and insensitive these days - why should cyber dating be any different? They&#39;ll get what they deserve.
A Yahoo! Contributor
I cannot tell you how angry and depressed it makes me to not get a reply. I recenlty did the &#39;internet dating&#39; thing, and ended up with nothing. 30-40 emails were written, with absolutly no response. It make a person feel worthless, as well as wastes their precious time. At least a &quot;I&#39;m not intersted&quot; should be in order. Not responding just leaves the other person hanging. If they took their time to write you, you should at least let them know. No responses are cruel and rude, and if you take part in such, I hope it comes back to you.
A Yahoo! Contributor
well, I am also new to online dating and found out many guys initiated the communication process but just decide to ignore you at some point and never responded. Only 1 guy send me a message saying he is no longer interested. I highly respected him for sending that message. As a responsible person, we should be couteous to let the other person know if you are no longer interested.
No Photo
As a general rule, if I initiated the contact and pursuit, and find the situation to become less than what I&#39;m willing to settle for, then I will find a courteous way to relieve the other party of further expectations in the matter. Also, I do not expect them to be answserable to me for their lack of response---no response, is their response, and I accept that. However, if they initiate first contact and I interact, I don&#39;t always feel compelled to explain my retraction (because I never allow the interaction to develop very far). Normally, if my profile is restricted to people I&#39;ve contacted first, I avoid much accountability in this delicate social situation.
A Yahoo! Contributor
I&#39;m married now (I met my wife online) but when I was doing online dating, I eventually quit responding to people I wasn&#39;t interested in. There&#39;s a reason also. You see I had someone go off on me after trying to politely say, &quot;you and I are not compatible&quot; (or whatever the sentence I used) I decided one of the reasons I preferred online dating was the anonymity of it. Therefore, if I wasn&#39;t interested, I simply disappeared. But only if i had no met them in person. I felt that if I had met them in real life that they deserved a response. Unless of course they were truly a nut case.
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